Chore wars

I don't think people will disagree with me when I say women, generally speaking, do more chores around the house than men. It makes sense if men are the only ones working outside the home (thus time poor to do housework) but I believe this happens even when they both work or when the women earn more than the men. At least, this seems to be the case with most people I know. With the addition of new babies, sometimes the unequal division of chores seems to be even greater.

Husband is reasonably good with the care of Lara. What I found interesting was that after the birth of Lara, Husband seemed to need more acknowledgement that he was doing the right things and doing OK with our daughter. I was also a little puzzled by his increasing need for appreciation and gratitude from me.

I got an interesting insight about this from a book I'm reading at the moment - "The Seven Stages of Motherhood" by Ann Pleshette Murphy.

The book painted it as a common occurrence that women find it funny when their husbands asking for 'thanks-yous' when they, for example, make breakfast for the kids one morning but mothers do this 355 mornings a year! The author was convinced that it was attributed to the fact that "Mothers tend to compare their husbands with themselves, while fathers often measure their contributions against what their own fathers did at home - a comparison that makes any effort look like a major improvement." I also agree with the author's opinion that the so called 'chore wars' is less about the actual work but "an internal struggle with ourselves over how much control and order we want and need". This seems to be especially prevalent in the first year, a time we not only learn our new roles as parents but also get a deeper sense about who we are and our needs as a couple.

I have to admit that even though I feel I have done more child-care, it is something I want to do. I have a tendency to want to have things done my way as far as Lara was concerned. It is sometimes better to do it myself than asking Husband to do it and then force him to 'do it like this' as I would have done. It is also fair to say that Husband gives me lots of compliment regarding the way I handle parenting. He always says how lucky Lara is to have me as her Mum. In contrast, I have not been as generous in giving out compliment when compliment is due. A little "thank-yous" can really go a long way!

The book also made the interesting observation that parenthood doesn't seem to affect fathers as much as they affect mothers. There's no doubt about fathers' love, however, fatherhood just has less effect on fathers' priorities and expectations.

We worked out some of our differences regarding parenting and chores in the last 9 months, some we had to agree to disagree, having failed to convince each other 'my way' is the better way. As the book says "Learning to respect and embrace those differences takes time and patience...." and we are working towards a fairer and happier balance.